Ø When I was born, I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
Ø Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Ø Until I was 13, I thought my name was ‘Shut Up.’
Ø I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Ø Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
Ø I’ve never been drunk, but often I’ve been over served.
Ø The road to success is always under construction.
Ø I say no to drugs — they just don’t listen!
Ø Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
Ø Work is fine if it doesn’t take up too much of your time.

Ø When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Ø Born free; Taxed to death.
Ø Everyone has a photographic memory; some people just don’t have film.
Ø Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
Ø Smile — it makes people wonder what you’re up to.
Ø I love being a writer… what I can’t stand is the paperwork.
Ø A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Ø The hardest part of skating is the ice.
Ø The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot; the guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

Ø The trouble with being punctual is that there’s no one there to appreciate it.

Ø If our constitution allows us free speech, why are there phone bills?
Ø If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, he’ll believe you. But if you tell him a park bench has just been painted, he has to touch it to be sure.
Ø Beat the 5 O’clock rush: leave work at noon!

Ø If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
Ø It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
Ø I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.