By Susan Kutar ( )

“Each day was precious each moment my own. I lived a life in heaven.”

Prayers are not heard. A plea goes unanswered. The pain still remains. Eyes still numb, heart still cold. When will all this heal itself?

I look up into the sky; he is as lonely as I am. My heart is crying I want him to take this pain away. I feel the void I want him to fill in the space. A tiny star peaks out of nowhere and disappears as if to tease me. She kept coming back. I looked at her and with out realizing I burst out loud,” well what u doing all by yourself up there? Aren’t u afraid? Lonely?” It was no fairytale where the star would suddenly change into an angel with wings and a wand in her hand, but what the hell it was worth the try.. I kept smiling cause I had to admit just talking to her felt nice. So I started again,” well I am awfully lonely. I have people who call themselves my friend; I’ve people who call themselves my parents. But then why am I unable to call myself a Friend or a Daughter? Why Do I feel like I don’t belong to them, like they don’t need me? I feel like my presence or absence would make no difference like I am insignificant to them.

Each day I look up into the sky where I was made to believe exist a miracle worker, someone who makes all your wishes come true. I asked him to send me My Angel. Someone who will love me for who I am. Someone who will be with me each waking moment, make me feel real. In whose eyes I’ll see my whole life unfold. Who will Wisk me away from all my trouble.

I was fooled day after day, as my dream (My Angel) never took shape. I stayed up most nights afraid, My Angel might knock on the wrong door (Nobody said that the miracle worker couldn’t make mistakes) I didn’t wanna take the chance. But No one knocked on my door. I still waited looking out of the window all by myself.

It had been four years. My eyes still involuntarily looked up into the sky occasionally (more so out of habit than will now), but I had given up. The star still looked down at me mockingly. But I was tired of playing games. I had made up my mind. The miracle worker was just not interested in me. Oh ya I believed in his existence alright, esply when the dumb third year student got more than me or when a not so good looking girl was seeing this hunk of a guy or when everyone else’s wishes were coming true. So the only logical thing to do was blame your stars and accept ur non existence (come on now even the super power himself was ignoring me. I can take a hint, least when it’s staring at my face). But I silently still wished things to be different.

I was a graduate. 22 yrs old. Most women my age would have been in a real relationship by now, but not me. But who cares, I was all set to die alone, or get married to the next jerk my Dad thought to be the perfect match for me. So when I entered the huge grounds of MIT I was expecting no miracles. I was hoping like always people in that classroom too would not feel my presence. Suddenly a guy walked up to me and whispered a ‘hi” in a husky, quite sexy I might add, voice. I did’nt bother to look around, I knew it wasn’t for me. Remember the miracle worker was on a constant break as far as I was concerned. This time he tapped my shoulder. I looked around. So what maybe he just wanted to borrow the scissor I was holding. He smiled the most angelic smile I had ever seen. So radiant. I could’nt take my eyes off him. My mind repeatedly told me “Susan, he is not real, only your illusion”. I closed my eyes, opened it again, he was still standing there. Now with an amused look. I quickly cleared my throat, whipped up an attitude worse than Queen Elizabeth and said, “hi”. We started talking. I was laughing and giggling (God, so unlike myself). For a brief moment I actually thought that my prayers were answered. But only for a moment (you cant blame me, 4 yrs is a long time to wait.) Maybe my prayers reached the devils nd this was their idea of playing a prank on me (okay, now I am just being silly).

So I stopped thinking and lived in the moment. He was so handsome, funny, right out of a mills and boons novel. But what was he doing with me. Hours added up to days, days to weeks, and weeks to month and then there was the moment I waited for all my life……

I was sitting in the front seat of the car (I was going to say a chariot ride in the moonlit nite, but its too far fetched, so I will stick to reality), ready to leave. It was 11 pm, time for me to rush home. I had worse than Cinderella’s deadline. I opened the door. I said, “Good night, thank you for a lovely evening”, he just went to open his mouth for one of his sleazy comments, Smiling I said to him,” don’t say a thing to ruin this perfect day”. He gave one of Godly smiles and said, “Well I was planning on telling you something,”. I sat back in the car, shut the door and insisted that I wouldn’t leave until he did’nt tell me what was on his mind. He was blushing, at least I thought that. He looked straight into my eyes and said, “you’ve got beautiful eyes”. I couldn’t believe what I heard. Like an idiot, I got of the car thanked him and walked off. Silly me!!!

I reached home and our series of messaging began. Each message made me reveal just how much I loved him and wanted to be with him. I waited for his reply eagerly. At around 11.52 pm and several msgs later, he wrote to me.’ I just gotta say this to you. At first I thought I was only infatuated with you, but today I realized just how much you mean to me’ (okay agreed I ave given you the edited version).

So 24th August 2005, Cinderella (i.e. ME) meets her prince charming (i.e. Anush) at midnight. The miracle worker had worked his charm again. I guess there must have been a problem in transmission. Heaven aint as near as we think it to be. So if you ve made a wish, hold on to it. Someday when you least expect it, the miracle worker will work. Remember He(GOD) keep watching us, we cannot keep a watch on Him. When I gave up keeping an eye on Him or checking up on Him, He heard me. I am still living happily ever after with My Angel.

—-by Susan Kutar—-